One of the biggest challenges for people who are co-parenting after separation or divorce is communication. It can be difficult to work out logistical matters around custody and visitation or talk about issues at school when you and/or your ex still feel angry, hurt or unfairly treated.
Often, co-parents try to stay away from face-to-face conversation or even phone calls and stick to written communications. However, that can sometimes be a whole other minefield. It’s easy for innocent statements or questions to be misinterpreted. Further, people often find it easy to say things via email or text that they wouldn’t say directly to someone.
If you’re trying to be responsible and mature, but you dread opening an email or text from your co-parent because you know that it will be filled with vitriol or judgment, what do you do?
Focus on the matter at hand
As difficult as it can be, skip past the extraneous negative comments and focus on the question or issue related to your child. If it’s an email, you can even highlight the key sentence or two and ignore the rest.
Keep your responses brief
Respond as briefly as possible to that child-related question or issue. Sometimes, a simple “yes” or “no” is all that’s needed. This will show your co-parent that you’re not going to engage in a fight with them or get defensive. Remember that it takes two people to fight. If you need to provide information, stick to the basics: who, what, when, where, etc.
Model responsible co-parenting communication
When you have to text or email your ex about something, keep it cordial but business-like. Think of it as corresponding with a colleague you’re not particularly fond of but whom you have to deal with. Be polite and pleasant.
If you’re newly separated and just starting to co-parent across two homes, some of this communication may become unnecessary as you work out the details of your parenting plan. However, if your co-parent’s hostility is causing them not to abide by the agreements you’ve reached, it may help to see what kind of options you have to improve their compliance.